Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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