Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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