Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
