i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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