Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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