you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
