I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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