So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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