Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
