Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
