Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
