I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
