I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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