shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
