it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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