just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize