just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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