sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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