We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
