I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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