So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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