the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
