it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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