nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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