Got a toothbrush?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
