Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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