My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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