I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
