I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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