When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
