You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
