i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
