Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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