I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
