I would go down on you faster than GM stock
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
