I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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