You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
