I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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