Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When are your genitals available?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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