Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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