I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
