Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
