You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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