Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
