I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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