an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
