I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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