1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
