Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
