Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
