I just saw a hot homeless man
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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