If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
