K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
