sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
