My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
