Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
