My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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