if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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