i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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