So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
