Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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